Toxic relationships can be a relationship you share with any other person. The most toxic ones we always hear about are between a male & female (male & male or female & female) in a romantic relationship. They are widely publicized and there are endless case studies, articles, help, support groups for persons going through bad situations in those types of relationships.
What about toxic psychological relationships with people who are the closest to you? The type of relationship where you are related by blood, interact with them everyday, but there is something there that causes you grief & heartache. Maybe its a psychological pattern implanted into your belief system that you didn’t understand when you were younger. One that makes you act irrationally because that’s how you were treated. It can be something you were told repeatedly as a young child/teen/person. It may be something you have struggled to seek closure over or something you’ve always wanted to communicate but the recipient cannot, for some reason, understand how they’ve negatively affected you or your life no matter how clear & concise you are with your words.
Do you find yourself breaking down constantly when you come under attack by this person? Do you find it difficult to bring your point across? Do they play the blame game with you – saying “fine, you’re always right & I’m always wrong” & guilt you into feeling that maybe you’re wrong & they’re right, even though deep down you know better? Do they drain the life out of you when having an argument? Do you feel drained because even before you get into it with them, you know where it’s going & how it will end. Tears, anger, resentment, not speaking to each other for days, weeks maybe even months. Time wasted can never be regained. I find that no one speaks about this type of toxicity & when it occurs there’s usually no one to turn to.
What do you do when you are in a relationship like this with someone you’re related to?The only word I have for you is “Grow”. I know it seems simple & it may also sound unfair, but if you are at a point in life where you’ve realized that this relationship is harming you, strengthening past toxic beliefs about you as a person or other things in your life, you are in a good place. The awareness & realization that you’re in a bad space is a good space to be in. You can now move forward.
So now, you can try many things. You can try to listen very carefully as to what is being said to you or in most cases AT YOU. Understand that this person is spewing at you their own insecurities & inability to understand you. Understand that they don’t know better or they’re unaware or they’re doing the best they can WITH WHAT THEY KNOW. It is up to you to see past what they’re saying to you. Stay calm & communicate your issues. If you end up with statements insinuating that you are wrong, don’t defend yourself. Don’t get excited, don’t allow yourself to get emotional. Talk to your inner self. If you were clear with your words about how you felt & it is still not being accepted, then you’re hitting your head against a very hard wall. Listen to them again. Are they treating you disrespectfully? Let them know that they’re tone is disrespectful, if they don’t change it, again they do not have the capacity to understand the level that you’re on. If at the end of a conversation/argument, you still cannot get across your point, let it go.
What do you now do to solve the problem? Apologize? No. I do not believe in apologizing when you’re not sorry. What are you apologizing for? Are you only doing it to keep the peace? Then guess what? This problem is going to come up again. I have had the misfortune of sometimes being caught off guard (I’m human, I have weak days) when I’m not thinking straight & I react to someone’s toxicity. If this happen, forgive YOURSELF. It’s okay. How would it be resolved? I’m so sorry to say this but if the other person is not willing to communicate with you then there is nothing you can do. Often persons would try to seek someone else to convey their point to & ask that person to tell you about it. If that happens, politely refuse by letting them know that the issue is between you & the other person & it should be resolved by the two of you only. Stay firm & stand your ground when you know you are right. It’s not arrogance. This is where you need to show this person that you are now breaking the cycle of toxicity & that they need to respect you. You know who you are as a person & they need to know also. If everything fails, it’s okay. Forgive YOURSELF first, then forgive this person. Always be on guard, as best you can, when situations arise that may get out of control & do your best to NOT react. Remind yourself that this person has their own growing to do, & until they don’t you cannot explain yourself to them nor have a respectful relationship when negative issues arise.
I hope that this helps you. I have to forgive myself everyday for reacting in the past. I have to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made based on what I was made to believe about myself. I have to remind myself everyday that people can only do the best they can with what they know. I hope you know you’re not alone & I encourage you to continue growing & staying awake.
Love & Light x